Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Moving Forward, Standing Still

The first time I heard the term quarter life crisis, it was in a John Mayer song- I was 22 about to go off to film school, in a completely different place, with almost completely different people. I couldn't relate. I was making waves and by the time I hit 25, I had flunked out of Film school, moved back home and for the first time of my life I was still.

 Unlike some of my friends, I didn't have a path carved out- sure I was good at sports, in music but for different reasons I didn't feel that I could pursue those avenues; they weren't practical. But after my failed attempt at film school, there was nothing. After never having a moment to think, I suddenly couldn't find enough things to drownout my thoughts. So for the last 5 years, I've been trying to listen, trying to find out who it is I am- who I'm supposed to be. My quarter life crisis started and it threatens to never end; well at least that's how it feels.

I have learned a few things about myself, something's are good and others are bad but, at very least, I'm now conscious of them - I like to write and even though I don't do it as offend as I should, I know that there's something there; I don't like working in an office 9 to 5, it kills my soul and sets me back; I am creative and that's an awesome thing, not as easy as some make it out to be; But the biggest thing that I've learned about myself is that I'm scared, scared of not living up to my potential, which is crippling within itself.

I've lived a pretty poverty strikened last 5 years because I refuse to settle for less anymore, something not everyone can understand- but I can honestly say after working jobs where I make relatively good money and holding out for a job where I maybe make less money but I'm happy has taught me so much about myself. Here's the problem though, short of winning the lottery,  I'm really having a hard time figuring out how I'm going to get where I need to be.

This year has to be the year that I transition from where I was,  down the path to where I will be- where I'm meant to be. The question still remains, how?

I'll have to get back to y'all on that.

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