It's been a while since I've had anything to really say on here and it's partly because I just don't even know where to start and partly because I don't really have an identity yet.
I'm just going to come right out and say it: I don't know who I am.
I mean of course I know my name and things that I like and don't like but I'm still searching for my essence. For so long I've been so concerned with those around me that I never really took time find out about myself.
Things are changing, I think for the better but there's always doubt, of course - I've cut almost all of my friends out of my life, which I admit seems drastic but there's something to be said about the kind of close friends that I had. Things like: volatile, self-centered, dramatic, always selling themselves short, uninspiring and because of all those things, the lack of attaining their true potential. And I know that seems very negative and demonizing but their traits forced me to ask myself,
"what is about me that attracts those kind of people?"
By focusing on others, I was able to not focus on myself and not have to deal, I guess, maybe. Or maybe, I just really like helping people and guiding them to their full potential, which really makes me sound like an egotistical douche bag, I know, but everyone has their gifts and I think to some degree that might be mine. Maybe.
Some would say maybe you should be a guidance counselor but it goes further than that. Maybe a life coach (how does one even become a life coach anyways?). I feel like at least I would be earning a living but at what cost and if I did do that would I ever find myself? So many questions, so few answers.
In all my friends, I saw unbelievable potential: The writer, the political satirist, the CFO, the plus sized model (I know this one's maybe not the strongest but she is gorgeous), the CEO of an architectural firm and lastly the COO.
Some of those are really specific, some are more vague but all are 100% accurate to the person. I, however, have no idea what I am supposed to be,
Those who can't do teach, much?
I had a few ideas like having my own fashion house with designs by me, run by my sister and my brother as the buyer - a real family business. Something that would bring us and our strengths together but most importantly, something that we could be really proud of and call our own.
But that idea means that my sister and my brother would have to see their own potential and believe in the idea and most importantly in me... And that's never going to happen.
So here I am on my own, trying to figure ISH out and I know I'm going to need people by me and a strong support system but for now, I'm trying to find people who are inspired, who have vision, that don't just suck the life out of everything but instead give life to things others saw as impossible... People like me.
My life story is far from done and every day I make progress towards the faint idea that I have of myself. It's slow, kind of lonely and I'm sure some of those things will morph along the way but for now, I'm just going to concentrate on just being me.