Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Woe was me

I'm a simple girl, just trying to make my own way around life and make the best decisions possible for me but sometimes I really get the feeling that all the world's forces are working against me in some way.

Lately I've been really torn about the work that I've been doing, why I was doing it and what I was getting out of it. I've found that the older I get the less happy I seem to be and everyone around me just say ridiculous things like- That's a part of aging.

The major influences in my life are always calling me unfocused and I am forever defending myself; Which is not just a pain but downright insulting.

Brought up by old fashioned Caribbean parents and although they put me in different activities, there really wasn't encouragement. At first, it was a way of keeping me busy while they were at work, then it was to keep me from getting pregnant. They weren't like other parents sheltering me and coddling me; They didn't have that luxury and I in turn,wasn't afforded the fortune of being able to be selfish.

Look, I'm not contesting the fact that everyone has a hard life- the grass is always greener, right?  I just see the bigger picture and understand that not every life can take the same journey; That sometimes it's the most tumultuous path that that yields the biggest rewards.

Do I sometimes wish that my life was different or easier in certain ways?

Hells yeah. But I work through those moments of weakness because deep down I know it's just what I had to go through to get to my destination.

Ok so I sound like either a hippie or someone who has just found religion but I've decided. This part of my biography is to be entitled: The light.

I've been trying to find a job but not just any job, one that suits me, that I can grow in, a decent environment, with decent people; what seems to be defined as the 'perfect job' but that just doesn't compute with me. Those aren't crazy demands are they? Why are those things considered do far out of reach?

I have had many jobs, which means I'm uber experienced but that tends to be viewed negatively because it shows instability. Look, I will admit to having a bit of a restless soul but I also understand the value of hard work- I worked in high school, through college and I always add to a team in a positive way. My problem is that not all of these jobs added to my life in an equally positive way. When am I allowed to ask for more? Why don't I deserve more?

In my quest to evolve in life ( I wouldn't call it a career because it's so far from what I actually want to do- which is write) and fight for what some people attain so easily and take for granted. I had to start believing my own hype so to speak. I've proven to myself over and over again that there's no situation that I could not thrive in but doubt always sneaks in there and if I couldn't believe in my power, how then could I sell it to someone else?

In trying to figure myself out, I actually took the time to assess my successes versus my failures and thinking back looking for regret but I have no regret- I made the best possible choices that I could have made for my situation. And I realised that my 'failures' actually taught me about myself and my strengths, none of them were huge, some of them were unavoidable but analyzing each opened a new level of understanding about myself and choices I make.

I'm not 18 anymore, so taking half a decade to find myself, if you will, was a really risky move. The kids I graduated with are know momsbusinessmenpoliticiansbuildingecofriendlyhouseswiththeirplanssuccessandsuch and I was...

I was constantly feeling the pressure to compare myself to other people; I had to be highly promotedlikeherIhadtobesthimIneedherbody. ENOUGH!

This is the year I take the sum total of my experiences and turn them into the most winning outcome for me. One of the most important things I learnt was that not everyone can take the same path. I have a friend that immediately needs to have the exact body of the skinny Lady Gaga, has to be married, have a house, kids- all because of status. And because of what I learnt about myself and how miserable it makes her as she tries to keep up-  I say in the wise words of Rage Against the Machine, FUCK YOU I WON'T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME!

It took some work and ate up precious time but it seems to be sticking. Meanwhile another obstacle was waiting in the wing....

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